the road is long, and often it's lonely

as the title sounds, this phase of life feels so long, and it's dreading because I often feel lonely.

The trickiest thing about this feeling is that, I will definitely feel that when I have a super long day at work, and by long, it's not the time, but the work(I have a strict no work life attitude before 10am and after 7pm on weekdays). When I'm overwhelmed, I dont feel good easily. I CANT to be precise. No matter how I push myself to feel happy, it can never reach my mental when I'm overwhelmed. And to make it more toxic, I am the one who decide that. 

It's so energy draining. So I try-and-error all know-hows on how to fix that, and I!! found it!! I have to sneakily get out at odd hours(e.g when people are going home from office/when people are at work/sunset) and go get my own time. Even if it meant to eat McD in my car. Once I have that time(probably an hour or so) to myself, I'll be functional again. It' like the broken parts are healed, the world seems a nice place to stay and being alive. No, I dont have any suicidal thoughts, but the loneliness sometimes crept up to me and I cant help but wish I have someone to share my day with.

Growing up, I'm the kind who always keep my feelings bottled, because I dont know how to express my feelings. I figured...I should just figure out my problems and feelings myself. So when I need the support, I dont know how to express it carefully, and whether I have to ask for it carefully or just be vulnerable and wail to people around me to support me. By support I dont mean, support as in support, but to acknowledge how I feel and how tired my mental is. 

I acknowledged that part of me, and I, indeed I'm trying my best to break that ego of mine. Why did no one told me that the hardest ego wall to break is the ego we use to so-called protect ourselves? Like I can throw away my ego and saying sorry to someone in a matter of seconds, but if it's to myself, I would take years and a proper and perfect validation for it to be accepted. But it's for my own damn self? I have too much self-hatred that I acknowledged every tiny bit of it. And to be very honest, I'm tired of trying to repair myself too.

But I always tell myself that soon, soon, I will become someone who somebody will need. I need to be fully functional and throw away my toxic mental meltdowns. The thing with me is that, when I have that meltdown, I distanced myself from people. Like right now. So many things happen, but I cant let it out, not even here. I have to sort my thoughts so one by one can die down. But God, it is so hard.  

And...how did it come to this? Awalnya macam nak cakap about how lonely I am at times? ㅋㅋㅋㅋ