i wonder if hatred would eat me alive

i think..i have consumed too much of hatred that it is a part of me now, not a part but rather, more than half of me. Being an adult makes you realize a lot of awful things and I've never been okay since. 

To make it worse, I have expected them to do that things but still when it happened, I cant help but to feel super disappointed and hate them for it. How easy for someone to do something awful or to say something VERY FUCKING awful yet have the audacity to act as if they are the saint-est of all, or act the next day as if they are fine with that. I hate these kinds of people, yet at the very same fucking time, I hate that I have to hate them.

I have lots of verbal traumas that I know exactly which words gonna hurt the most when said out loud but I caught myself saying those too, and I fucking hate myself to the point I think it will eat and unalive me. Me throwing these words here, I hate that part of me too. But I just cant. I dont know where else to write or to let out. 

These past few weeks had my blood boiled as I have been suppressing my anger down to the pit of my darkest heart. And it kept me thinking at night like what will happen when I let it fucking out to these people, what will happen if I can no longer suppress my anger and blurt everything out to their faces? That may come into reality in the coming years, and knowing how I am, I think I may dig out every single thing that I have tried to forget all these while.

Just last month I prayed for God to take away these hatred that I have and let me just forget all of these things. Let me look at a person the same as they are before I know what they did/heard it. But God, it is so hard. I said I forgive them, but why is it so hard to forget it? Forgiving is one thing that I always tried to do first thing first, so I am always saying sorry first if we ever had an argument or anything, but forgetting is not my forte. I remember every single detail, the situation, word-by-word. Maybe that's why hatred almost engulf me alive.

But I dont want to be the bad person who hate people, I dont want that. But that is my forte. Am I beyond repair at this point?  

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