:)

i think..i have consumed too much of hatred that it is a part of me now, not a part but rather, more than half of me. Being an adult makes you realize a lot of awful things and I've never been okay since.  To make it worse, I have expected them to do that things but still when it happened, I cant help but to feel super disappointed and hate them for it. How easy for someone to do something awful or to say something VERY FUCKING awful yet have the audacity to act as if they are the saint-est of all, or act the next day as if they are fine with that. I hate these kinds of people, yet at the very same fucking time, I hate that I have to hate them. I have lots of verbal traumas that I know exactly which words gonna hurt the most when said out loud but I caught myself saying those too, and I fucking hate myself to the point I think it will eat and unalive me. Me throwing these words here, I hate that part of me too. But I just cant. I dont know where else to write or to let out.  T...

as the title sounds, this phase of life feels so long, and it's dreading because I often feel lonely. The trickiest thing about this feeling is that, I will definitely feel that when I have a super long day at work, and by long, it's not the time, but the work(I have a strict no work life attitude before 10am and after 7pm on weekdays). When I'm overwhelmed, I dont feel good easily. I CANT to be precise. No matter how I push myself to feel happy, it can never reach my mental when I'm overwhelmed. And to make it more toxic, I am the one who decide that.  It's so energy draining. So I try-and-error all know-hows on how to fix that, and I!! found it!! I have to sneakily get out at odd hours(e.g when people are going home from office/when people are at work/sunset) and go get my own time. Even if it meant to eat McD in my car. Once I have that time(probably an hour or so) to myself, I'll be functional again. It' like the broken parts are healed, the world seems ...